Managing conflict often requires NOT doing something.
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As a consultant, I am often confronted with unhappy employees who bemoan the ills of their workplace. Many of their concerns have a real impact on their ability to contribute in creative, effective ways—after all they were hired for their competence. And yet, they find themselves hitting seemingly insurmountable barriers. So how can they best navigate these perils and stay engaged? In other words, how do you continue to care when it feels like those above you don’t?
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If you’ve ever tried to implement a change it’s likely you’ve heard “but we’ve always done it this way” or “we tried that, and it didn’t work” or, worse, “that’s impossible.”
As a leader you know continuous assessment and improvement are the keys to competitive advantage, but how can you get reluctant team members to buy-in?
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Conflict, by its nature, includes two competing ideas, versions of events, or wished-for outcomes. With conflict often comes the desire to win—to get my ideal at the expense of the other. As any good mediator will tell you, in order to resolve conflict this kind of zero-sum/either-or thinking has to be replaced with another way.
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A Conflict Management Specialist can help you assess your organization’s conflict management systems and culture and develop a plan to minimize destructive conflict and tap the full potential of constructive conflict.
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When it feels like nothing we’re trying is working, frustration can lead us to give up—leaving us truly powerless.
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How many times have you thought you were getting your point across only to find out, sooner or later, that the person did not get what you were trying to express.
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Do you ever feel like there's a revolving door to your office with one, never-ending request: Can you fix this problem for me?
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Bringing up difficult topics often makes others defensive, especially when we’re asking them to acknowledge negative behavior or change in some way.
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It seems reasonable. It's quick and easy. "Let's make a deal," you think, "we'll do a little give and take. We'll COMPROMISE!" And, in fact, it can be a wonderful way to get things resolved quickly when there's a time crunch and the outcome is only moderately important. On the other hand, if compromise is always the way you are resolving conflicts at work or at home you might start to feel some resentment.
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I hate that question...a long marriage could mean years of misery. I appreciate that relationships take work and that means a commitment by both partners to stick it out when the going gets tough. But I don’t want an award for years of service--I want a relationship that is satisfying, fulfilling, contented, connected.
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Most of us start out helping others because we care. We often try to help because we love the person and don’t want to see them struggling or hurting. Unfortunately, helping doesn’t alway work.
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Many of us find it hard to let go of conflict situations. We go over and over in our minds how we felt, what we said, what the other person said, what we didn’t say and wish we had, what the other person didn’t do... and on and on and on. Rumination is tied to a sense of loss.
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By now everyone has probably heard the tale of the frog placed in the pot of water and set on the stove. Gradually the heat is turned up. The frog makes no attempt to get out of the pot. Because the temperature increases gradually, the frog doesn’t notice and thinks it is normal.
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A line in an old country song goes, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” If you don’t know what your values are, you’re likely to give in to the whims of those around you instead of living the life you really want.
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When we are struggling in a relationship, kindness may be the last thing on our mind. Anger, frustration, even sadness may block our ability to access good feelings about our partner. Yet, without feelings of loving kindness toward our partner, we decrease our incentive and ability to work through difficult issues.
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This quote really struck me, “Throughout years of my marriage I hesitated to speak my truth. While my intentions were honorable -- I wanted to keep the peace, I didn't want to introduce conflict, I was trying so hard to be a ‘good wife’.... By hiding my truth, trying to ignore hurt feelings, ‘sucking it up,’ I was doing myself and my ex-husband a great disservice.”
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Having mediating more than a thousand couples as they were divorcing, I’ve learned that nothing gets in the way of a good relationship or the ability to make progress through conflict more than righteousness. Righteousness is more than believing you are right. It is believing you are morally justified in your actions.
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Many of us had shaming or even frightening experiences around our emotions as children. Perhaps when we cried other children, even our siblings, made fun of us or beat us up. Maybe our anger was met with punishment as we were made to sit in the corner or go to our rooms so the rest of the family wasn’t subjected to our “outbursts.” Or, we may have been told to stop embarrassing our parents by acting out our feelings in public.
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In our fast-paced, multi-tasking world we might act like we’re listening, but are we really hearing what the other person is saying? Here are three quick tips to improve your listening and deepen your relationships with others.
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