Don’t just do something—sit there!

Managing conflict often requires NOT doing something.

It is an instinct to defend our self when someone comes to us with a problem. It’s hard not to take it personally.

To do a good job managing conflict, you’ve got to understand where the other person is coming from. It’s difficult to access empathy and compassion when you’re rushed, frustrated, or angry.

We also learn early that when we work hard and come up with solutions we’re rewarded, so it’s natural to want to dive right in and fix it. But how can you fix a problem when you don’t necessarily know what it is?

If you’re faced with a conflict:

• Slow down—take a few deep cleansing breaths.

• Check comprehension—say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this…” and repeat what you’re hearing.

• Try to suspend judgement—even if you’ve heard this all before, keep listening and repeating until the other person confirms “You’ve got it!”

• Take your time—Before you respond or work on the issue, ask for some time. There’s no reason you must act in the moment. Simply say, “This is clearly important. I need some time to think this through. Could we talk more (this afternoon, tomorrow, Monday)?”

• Be prepared—Write out and/or practice what you want you want to say.

• Use “I statements” and own your feelings—“When I heard how you were feeling, I felt defensive because I thought you were challenging my competence.” A vulnerable statement like this signals your humility and willingness to honestly work on the issue.

• Get to work—Offer any ideas you have to make things better. Ask what ideas they have. And then struggle to find a solution that meets both of your needs rather than a quick fix or compromise.

And remember, perfect is the enemy of good enough. Each time you engage in a conflict situation and attempt to manage it well you learn. It’s only through trying, making some mistakes, reflecting, and trying again that growth happens.