This quote really struck me, “Throughout years of my marriage I hesitated to speak my truth. While my intentions were honorable -- I wanted to keep the peace, I didn't want to introduce conflict, I was trying so hard to be a ‘good wife’.... By hiding my truth, trying to ignore hurt feelings, ‘sucking it up,’ I was doing myself and my ex-husband a great disservice.”
Read MoreHaving mediating more than a thousand couples as they were divorcing, I’ve learned that nothing gets in the way of a good relationship or the ability to make progress through conflict more than righteousness. Righteousness is more than believing you are right. It is believing you are morally justified in your actions.
Read MoreMany of us had shaming or even frightening experiences around our emotions as children. Perhaps when we cried other children, even our siblings, made fun of us or beat us up. Maybe our anger was met with punishment as we were made to sit in the corner or go to our rooms so the rest of the family wasn’t subjected to our “outbursts.” Or, we may have been told to stop embarrassing our parents by acting out our feelings in public.
Read MoreIn our fast-paced, multi-tasking world we might act like we’re listening, but are we really hearing what the other person is saying? Here are three quick tips to improve your listening and deepen your relationships with others.
Read MoreDestructive conflict often sends people spiraling downward in a negative cycle of me versus you. This creation of “other” is the basis of conflict escalation which allows one person or group to dehumanize the other which makes it “okay” to perpetrate everything from indignities to violence. Why does this happen?
Read MoreThe "Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement" dubbed a BATNA by authors Fisher & Ury. Why do you need one? If you are preparing to negotiate and you don’t know your alternatives you are more likely to agree to something you could regret.
Read MoreMost of us have been in a situation with a particularly difficult, frustrating person and found ourselves telling a friend, co-worker, or family member all about this jerk! How miserable they make our life, how if they would only change or go away, life would be better.
Read Morerecently read an article about a survey conducted by an international consulting firm that concluded 85% of workers had experienced conflict on the job. My immediate response was that the other 15% were either in denial or had just been hired. I say this because if you are human, you will experience conflict. There is no getting around it.
Read MoreWhen conflict hits it can feel like a crisis urging us to act quickly. That makes sense because adrenaline and other stress hormones flood our body and brain preparing us to take flight or fight. This can lead to heroic acts like lifting a car off a trapped person, but in our daily lives it more often leads to a panic to action that causes all kinds of bad decisions and outcomes.
Read MoreI just returned from presenting "Mediation Mastery" at the Academy for Professional Family Mediators international conference in Denver, Colorado. The focus of the presentation was the importance of reflective practice--taking time while mediating and especially after to consider the positive and potentially negative impact of our presence and interventions for our clients.
Read MoreBoundaries are an important element of any relationship. When we know ourselves, we feel comfortable letting others know what we will and won't put up with. It's not something we have to announce loudly. It is just something that we honor internally and state as fact or act upon when needed.
Read MoreAs an excellent conflict responder (mediator, human resource professional, mental health counselor, attorney, etc.), you are always operating on two levels of awareness. You are aware of what is happening in your environment and you are aware of what is happening inside yourself.
Read MoreLast year I set a New Year’s resolution to try something new each month. My first experience was to climb a rock wall. A close, childhood friend, Jude, agreed to share the adventure. Two things surprised me: the amount of trust I had to have in my climbing partner (a.k.a. Belay) and my physical response to the fear of falling from the wall.
Read MoreI was on vacation in Florida enjoying a walk on the beach when I noticed a little boy about three years old. He was holding something in his hand which he had found in the water. “Adam,” he shouted.
Read MoreWhen I think of the greatest gift a mediator offers to her clients, my mind goes immediately to the incredible opportunity for honest conversation. Creating a space which is safe enough for individuals to open up, to say how they feel, to share from their hearts, is a rare event in our culture.
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